3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
