I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
