I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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