if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
