Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
