the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
