My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
