pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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