Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
