He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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