we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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