my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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