there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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