I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
