Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
