Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
