Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
