I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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