Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
where does the pee come out of this thing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
