I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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