today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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