I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
