there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
