fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
