Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
