I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
