On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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