The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize