grandma shit on top of the toilet
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pants are for mortals
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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