He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
