areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
