man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
