All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
