thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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