how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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