I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
