We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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