i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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