I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
