the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
