We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What drink are we having for lunch?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
