I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
