So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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