"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
