I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
