At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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