If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Rumble strips road head = magical
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
