Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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