Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
