this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
