a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize