I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
