i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
