I think I won the penis lottery.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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