Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
