Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
