I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
