If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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