Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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