why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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