This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
