look no pants
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
