Nicole vs. Life
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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