I'm so fucking centered right now
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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