I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
