Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
