She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
