ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
