My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
