I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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